In a society that heavily relies on technology for communication and efficiency, I am truly a sucker for it. I type freely on my new iPad, awesomely supported by internet tethering from my iPhone. This new fetish was inspired not by the catchy Apple ads but really from this new unit that I've started for my Masters that calls for journal writing during the week in Madrid. You could say this trend was also inspired by my struggle in keeping organized this past term and yelled for a better system of working. Hopefully this new toy of mine will support me in that area (and could also lessen the amount of books/folders I struggle to carry in my small arms from the car to my desk 5 days a week).
So, 3 weeks to go before the unexpected. In my struggles to find my purpose in going on this pilgrimage, I've realized it's a great opportunity for me to get to know my school community more and at the same time have a bigger reason to share the faith. I've been designated to organize a school disco this term to fundraise, looking forward to the challenge of bringing together music, fellowship and the faith all in one night... This should be easy, right?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The finger tip feeling
The title of this entry pretty much sums up how I'm feeling at the moment, or moments. Life can be as clear as a blue sky one day, and exactly the next be cloudy and dim. How does one day just change a perception of life 360 degrees? This is my current spiritual dilemma. Maybe it's the excess amount of free time I have at the moment, being school holidays and all that is stirring up my heart. Free time = thinking time in my books and that could be a deadly thing. From being overwhelmed with the copious amounts of marking to late night silence is not doing me any good. The change of routine is off-putting. My mind is not ready to face the grand reality that awaits me and teaching kinda hovers like a safety net or an umbrella from someone who is yet finding the ground between adolescence and being a serious 24 year old adult. It is true when they say your 20's can make or break you... and right now I'm in between.
During our usual conversations about the going-ons in our life, my fiancé asks me the question that I have not yet found the answer to: What is something you live for? Well I guess that's easy in some way to answer - him for one, being the love I believe fits mine in all ways, being a teacher... you know, the obvious. But really deep down, I still have trouble in saying that I find all my happiness in God, when days in and out sometimes feels like he is not there. Is he removing all my minds luxuries just so I feel like I am left with nothing, and only he can fill this space? If so, he has done a pretty good job at it because I am hands and feet on the ground wanting to be reassured that all I am is all I am meant to be.
Otherwise, please God... enlighten me.
During our usual conversations about the going-ons in our life, my fiancé asks me the question that I have not yet found the answer to: What is something you live for? Well I guess that's easy in some way to answer - him for one, being the love I believe fits mine in all ways, being a teacher... you know, the obvious. But really deep down, I still have trouble in saying that I find all my happiness in God, when days in and out sometimes feels like he is not there. Is he removing all my minds luxuries just so I feel like I am left with nothing, and only he can fill this space? If so, he has done a pretty good job at it because I am hands and feet on the ground wanting to be reassured that all I am is all I am meant to be.
Otherwise, please God... enlighten me.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Departure and return
It's been a long time (almost 3 months) since I've last put thoughts on paper. In that case it just goes to show what a crazy 3 months it has been - not in the preparations for WYD, but for everything else in between (teaching, marking, report writing, tutoring...report writing). It's sad to say WYD has been placed in the back of my mind and only spoken in conversation when a diocesan meeting was fast approaching, or when my fortnightly income is being calculated and transferred between accounts in hopes for enough funds for this trip. In saying so, this opportunity - exactly a month away has always been in my prayers and something I deeply long for... a way to tighten my grip when I feel like letting go.
Many aspects of my life is changing. Things I used to know are not so clear anymore and that's probably because I've come to see the reality in them - the imperfections of relationships, the undying importance of family, the political notions of the workforce, the grace of true friendships and the limits of time. All these aspects put together in the past few weeks has allowed me to reconnect with who I am, what I am doing in my life and why do I live. I've asked God these questions in many sleepless nights, in uncontrollable classroom situations, and in overtime hours of work, and all He has left me with to reflect on the past few days has been this question:
To answer this question would take me a long time because he is so many things to me. He is everything to me. But when I think of this question in preparation for WYD, I reflect on the exact 'journey' I am about to take. The 'Holy Land to Madrid' tour passes through the exact footsteps of Jesus himself - Bethlehem, Nazareth, Judea, Mt. Tabor, Cana and Jerusalem. I type these places down with ease but really cannot comprehend the magnititude these sites have on my beliefs and ultimately who I am as a person. I've known of this pilgrimage since October last year, and yet I still can't comprehend exactly why I am going on this walk. I don't even believe I'm worthy. A part of me denies that these places even exist and not even Fr. Warren's recent visit to Israel and Jordan in a photo presentation has reeled me in completely. Yes, I was in awe. But I just cannot fathom the reality of seeing and touching such sacred sites and understand that 2000 years ago, it was Jesus who was truly present there.
It's not about the sites anyway - that wasn't what caught my eye. It was more than seeing to believe. This pilgrimage is my way of walking at the side of Jesus, and being. It's about feeling the humaness that he endured and finally reassuring myself that it is the same cross we carry. It's about igniting my faith that the human flesh has caused to doubt. It's all about knowing who I am completely before I embark on a new journey he has blessed me with. And before I move on with the next stage of my life, I'd want to know I will still have him walking beside me as the other set of footprints.
Many aspects of my life is changing. Things I used to know are not so clear anymore and that's probably because I've come to see the reality in them - the imperfections of relationships, the undying importance of family, the political notions of the workforce, the grace of true friendships and the limits of time. All these aspects put together in the past few weeks has allowed me to reconnect with who I am, what I am doing in my life and why do I live. I've asked God these questions in many sleepless nights, in uncontrollable classroom situations, and in overtime hours of work, and all He has left me with to reflect on the past few days has been this question:
'Who do you say I am?' (Luke 9:18)
To answer this question would take me a long time because he is so many things to me. He is everything to me. But when I think of this question in preparation for WYD, I reflect on the exact 'journey' I am about to take. The 'Holy Land to Madrid' tour passes through the exact footsteps of Jesus himself - Bethlehem, Nazareth, Judea, Mt. Tabor, Cana and Jerusalem. I type these places down with ease but really cannot comprehend the magnititude these sites have on my beliefs and ultimately who I am as a person. I've known of this pilgrimage since October last year, and yet I still can't comprehend exactly why I am going on this walk. I don't even believe I'm worthy. A part of me denies that these places even exist and not even Fr. Warren's recent visit to Israel and Jordan in a photo presentation has reeled me in completely. Yes, I was in awe. But I just cannot fathom the reality of seeing and touching such sacred sites and understand that 2000 years ago, it was Jesus who was truly present there.
It's not about the sites anyway - that wasn't what caught my eye. It was more than seeing to believe. This pilgrimage is my way of walking at the side of Jesus, and being. It's about feeling the humaness that he endured and finally reassuring myself that it is the same cross we carry. It's about igniting my faith that the human flesh has caused to doubt. It's all about knowing who I am completely before I embark on a new journey he has blessed me with. And before I move on with the next stage of my life, I'd want to know I will still have him walking beside me as the other set of footprints.
Monday, April 25, 2011
I'm all in... for life
This years Lenten season was a combination of a series of challenges, goals, committment and self-analysing. At the beginning of the season, the moment I was fortunate enough to give and receive ashes that day, I thought deeply about fasting... like serious fasting - something that could turn my knuckles red at the urge of having. After minutes of thinking and with no ideas, I knew instead of giving up, I would give more. And so the idea of praying every single night together would be the perfect Easter committment. I know as a Catholic, praying every day should be a norm - and I do, with my students, in every single class. But when you pray with someone, you somehow feel accountable to praying every day, regardless of how you feel or what you want to say - but just because you need to.
During Lent I've had a new perspective on prayer. There were times when it felt like it was unecessary, because I would usually give thanks or ask for help during the day in my own heart. But saying it out loud and giving up at least 10 minutes just talking to God, makes all the difference to how you feel after you do pray. It does take a lot of focus and effort to pray, and I know this is one of the reasons why young people in my care sometimes find it a routine in my class before we start a lesson, rather than a time dedicated in conversation with God. You don't get instant results but I do believe you get instant cleansing of your perspectives on life after you do pray - it's like God turned on the windshield wipers on a rainy day and instant clarity.
I feel like the Passion of Christ was much closer to me this year in the way of suffering - at times a demotivation to teach or study, an uninspired heart to lead, a tired servant - yearning for rest. I was like the disciples on the boat, anxious and worried about the boat sinking and almost being swamped by the waves - marking, lesson planning, writing an essay for my Masters, filling out forms for WYD, and planning our wedding. When the waves get too high to avoid, you start wondering why you even thought about getting on the boat in the first place where there could've been a bigger boat, with more space and much stronger against the tide. But Jesus has placed me on this particular boat because He knows I can survive and stay afloat. He has comforted me with his words,
During Lent I've had a new perspective on prayer. There were times when it felt like it was unecessary, because I would usually give thanks or ask for help during the day in my own heart. But saying it out loud and giving up at least 10 minutes just talking to God, makes all the difference to how you feel after you do pray. It does take a lot of focus and effort to pray, and I know this is one of the reasons why young people in my care sometimes find it a routine in my class before we start a lesson, rather than a time dedicated in conversation with God. You don't get instant results but I do believe you get instant cleansing of your perspectives on life after you do pray - it's like God turned on the windshield wipers on a rainy day and instant clarity.
I feel like the Passion of Christ was much closer to me this year in the way of suffering - at times a demotivation to teach or study, an uninspired heart to lead, a tired servant - yearning for rest. I was like the disciples on the boat, anxious and worried about the boat sinking and almost being swamped by the waves - marking, lesson planning, writing an essay for my Masters, filling out forms for WYD, and planning our wedding. When the waves get too high to avoid, you start wondering why you even thought about getting on the boat in the first place where there could've been a bigger boat, with more space and much stronger against the tide. But Jesus has placed me on this particular boat because He knows I can survive and stay afloat. He has comforted me with his words,
“Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (Mark 4:40)
And these words has been planted in my heart, and I am no longer shaken by any storm. As Jesus died on the cross, I reflect on the calm that He will provide. And during His rising, I am deeply assured of His promises of light, courage and hope and continue to pray that my spiritual preparations for WYD only open up more doors that will let in more light.
He is risen, Hallelujah!
He is risen, Hallelujah!
Monday, April 18, 2011
A change in route
For weeks now, we pilgrims of the 'Holy Land to Madrid' tour have been anticipating the decision of the possible change in our itinerary. Initially, our tour highlighted the Sphinx and city of Giza, which scored many 'likes'. But unfortunately, due to world issues this route is no longer possible. That was probably the expected outcome by all, but I had the small hope that maybe ...just maybe Egypt would be in some civilised state come 4 months. However, just this afternoon I received an email with a letter attached from our tour leader himself, Bishop Anthony Fisher about the new agenda:
Key words: relaxed and comprehensive. My exact expectations on this pilgrimage. The only thing I was worried about was the change to the entire tour altogether, as rumors went around our tour was going to somewhat mirror the Spain + France plan. As enticing as that sounds, and in most respect to the spiritual aspect of this tour as well, I was praying for a tour that would not resemble my Contiki experience back in 2008, but something much, much deeper.
As I've been reflecting on this outcome, all I know is God is in control of everything. We may have the grandest plan for this WYD experience to be at its best, but at the end of the day what we cannot control is the indicator that God only knows what will happen next. As Farrell has clearly mentioned that this change of itinerary 'is probably a blessing in disguise', it sure is nothing less of a blessing. God knows we pilgrims yearn to see His face at this pilgrimage, and somehow it is like nights in Galilee and Jerusalem is God's way of saying you can rest where I have. How amazing. :)
Oh, and the ample time made as a stop over in Dubai for some exploring is a teaser from God, I think. ;)
Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near. (James 5:7-8)
'This will infact, allow a more relaxed and comprehensive pilgrimage of the Holy Land featuring five nights in Galilee and a final five nights in Jerusalem prior to WYD Madrid.'
Key words: relaxed and comprehensive. My exact expectations on this pilgrimage. The only thing I was worried about was the change to the entire tour altogether, as rumors went around our tour was going to somewhat mirror the Spain + France plan. As enticing as that sounds, and in most respect to the spiritual aspect of this tour as well, I was praying for a tour that would not resemble my Contiki experience back in 2008, but something much, much deeper.
As I've been reflecting on this outcome, all I know is God is in control of everything. We may have the grandest plan for this WYD experience to be at its best, but at the end of the day what we cannot control is the indicator that God only knows what will happen next. As Farrell has clearly mentioned that this change of itinerary 'is probably a blessing in disguise', it sure is nothing less of a blessing. God knows we pilgrims yearn to see His face at this pilgrimage, and somehow it is like nights in Galilee and Jerusalem is God's way of saying you can rest where I have. How amazing. :)
Oh, and the ample time made as a stop over in Dubai for some exploring is a teaser from God, I think. ;)
Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near. (James 5:7-8)
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Chosen and called
Tuesday, 4th April
It's refreshing to end a long day with the wise words of those who stand convicted in their vocation. I have never heard a talk about 'vocations' that truly hit home and got us wondering, 'Is this the life God has planned for us?'. Usually this question poses deep worry and contemplation whether you're walking the walk God has planned for your life, or it may be the biggest bump on the side that you are nowhere near where you are meant to be. But how do we really know we are what we are meant to be in this life?
Sister Julie, from the Sisters of the Marian apostolic movement at Mt Schoenstatt gave justice to the importance of finding your vocation. A coroporate women who had an 8 year involvement in one of the largest law firms in Sydney, has taken a life-turn, a turn she shared as her 'sense of peace, joy and freedom' she could not find elsewhere. She also shared with us the secret to happiness, that is 'To find our vocation and live it' in single life, married life or religious life. It is easy to mention a tool for happiness, but the real question resides: 'Do I trust Him?'.
While sitting in a room full of young people alike, who share the same path of a proposed WYD pilgrimage, I was hearing her words as if Christ himself was speaking only to me. It wasn't a wake up call, but more of a deep affirmation that I have chosen the right degree and wake up to a career I feel joy (most days anyways, it's also part of reality) and have chosen a partner who relives the meaning of freedom with me every single day. Being a teacher brings out the challenges that make and break me on a daily basis, that only teaching could ever teach me. Yes, I had other goals to maybe become a website designer, or magazine illustrator back in the day, but my ultimate choice of being a teacher overrides my talents and interests, but rather puts them both in a bag called teaching itself.
On the drive home as we were talking about the talk, there were moments of silence broken down by smiles and giggles because somewhere in the deepest crevices of our hearts, we both knew that being engaged and being excited for a married life together was 'our peace'. When As a wise friend once shared to me, 'You know you're meant to be together when your heart beats for the same thing' and it does just that. What is God's affirmation? When you find that one person who loves you deeper than you can love yourself, then you've won it all. :)
It's refreshing to end a long day with the wise words of those who stand convicted in their vocation. I have never heard a talk about 'vocations' that truly hit home and got us wondering, 'Is this the life God has planned for us?'. Usually this question poses deep worry and contemplation whether you're walking the walk God has planned for your life, or it may be the biggest bump on the side that you are nowhere near where you are meant to be. But how do we really know we are what we are meant to be in this life?
Sister Julie, from the Sisters of the Marian apostolic movement at Mt Schoenstatt gave justice to the importance of finding your vocation. A coroporate women who had an 8 year involvement in one of the largest law firms in Sydney, has taken a life-turn, a turn she shared as her 'sense of peace, joy and freedom' she could not find elsewhere. She also shared with us the secret to happiness, that is 'To find our vocation and live it' in single life, married life or religious life. It is easy to mention a tool for happiness, but the real question resides: 'Do I trust Him?'.
While sitting in a room full of young people alike, who share the same path of a proposed WYD pilgrimage, I was hearing her words as if Christ himself was speaking only to me. It wasn't a wake up call, but more of a deep affirmation that I have chosen the right degree and wake up to a career I feel joy (most days anyways, it's also part of reality) and have chosen a partner who relives the meaning of freedom with me every single day. Being a teacher brings out the challenges that make and break me on a daily basis, that only teaching could ever teach me. Yes, I had other goals to maybe become a website designer, or magazine illustrator back in the day, but my ultimate choice of being a teacher overrides my talents and interests, but rather puts them both in a bag called teaching itself.
On the drive home as we were talking about the talk, there were moments of silence broken down by smiles and giggles because somewhere in the deepest crevices of our hearts, we both knew that being engaged and being excited for a married life together was 'our peace'. When As a wise friend once shared to me, 'You know you're meant to be together when your heart beats for the same thing' and it does just that. What is God's affirmation? When you find that one person who loves you deeper than you can love yourself, then you've won it all. :)
The favourite kind it seems, is chocolate
Thursday, 31st of March
The second day of our WYD hot cross bun fundraiser. Success #2. Although Farrell and I were blocked with a full teaching day, it's great to know we have our coordinators support all the way - even for menial reasons, like setting up tables in Town Square. As I quicklywalked to Towns Square to help out, in the corner of my eye I see a crowd around our usual table and knew it was going to be another success. 7 dozen chocolate buns sold in 15 minutes. It's quite easy selling this off, but so much harder for the fruit. Even teachers loved the chocolate flavour!
I really feel humble knowing that although the WYD fundraiser are going towards funding people (aka Farrell and I) and not so much as a charity group, people of this school community still offer up their support and their time for this cause. Namely our helpers who are mostly in year 9. I knew I had to say thank you somehow, so shouting them a hot cross bun each was the least I could do for their gratitude. The look on their faces were priceless because they didn't expect a reward in return. This is exactly what Jesus taught the disciples - give without counting the cost and he will bless you tenfold (Proverbs 10:12). My tenfold is the simple fact that we are suported in our mission for WYD - and that is enough for me. God bless St Clare's.
The second day of our WYD hot cross bun fundraiser. Success #2. Although Farrell and I were blocked with a full teaching day, it's great to know we have our coordinators support all the way - even for menial reasons, like setting up tables in Town Square. As I quicklywalked to Towns Square to help out, in the corner of my eye I see a crowd around our usual table and knew it was going to be another success. 7 dozen chocolate buns sold in 15 minutes. It's quite easy selling this off, but so much harder for the fruit. Even teachers loved the chocolate flavour!
I really feel humble knowing that although the WYD fundraiser are going towards funding people (aka Farrell and I) and not so much as a charity group, people of this school community still offer up their support and their time for this cause. Namely our helpers who are mostly in year 9. I knew I had to say thank you somehow, so shouting them a hot cross bun each was the least I could do for their gratitude. The look on their faces were priceless because they didn't expect a reward in return. This is exactly what Jesus taught the disciples - give without counting the cost and he will bless you tenfold (Proverbs 10:12). My tenfold is the simple fact that we are suported in our mission for WYD - and that is enough for me. God bless St Clare's.
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