In a society that heavily relies on technology for communication and efficiency, I am truly a sucker for it. I type freely on my new iPad, awesomely supported by internet tethering from my iPhone. This new fetish was inspired not by the catchy Apple ads but really from this new unit that I've started for my Masters that calls for journal writing during the week in Madrid. You could say this trend was also inspired by my struggle in keeping organized this past term and yelled for a better system of working. Hopefully this new toy of mine will support me in that area (and could also lessen the amount of books/folders I struggle to carry in my small arms from the car to my desk 5 days a week).
So, 3 weeks to go before the unexpected. In my struggles to find my purpose in going on this pilgrimage, I've realized it's a great opportunity for me to get to know my school community more and at the same time have a bigger reason to share the faith. I've been designated to organize a school disco this term to fundraise, looking forward to the challenge of bringing together music, fellowship and the faith all in one night... This should be easy, right?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The finger tip feeling
The title of this entry pretty much sums up how I'm feeling at the moment, or moments. Life can be as clear as a blue sky one day, and exactly the next be cloudy and dim. How does one day just change a perception of life 360 degrees? This is my current spiritual dilemma. Maybe it's the excess amount of free time I have at the moment, being school holidays and all that is stirring up my heart. Free time = thinking time in my books and that could be a deadly thing. From being overwhelmed with the copious amounts of marking to late night silence is not doing me any good. The change of routine is off-putting. My mind is not ready to face the grand reality that awaits me and teaching kinda hovers like a safety net or an umbrella from someone who is yet finding the ground between adolescence and being a serious 24 year old adult. It is true when they say your 20's can make or break you... and right now I'm in between.
During our usual conversations about the going-ons in our life, my fiancé asks me the question that I have not yet found the answer to: What is something you live for? Well I guess that's easy in some way to answer - him for one, being the love I believe fits mine in all ways, being a teacher... you know, the obvious. But really deep down, I still have trouble in saying that I find all my happiness in God, when days in and out sometimes feels like he is not there. Is he removing all my minds luxuries just so I feel like I am left with nothing, and only he can fill this space? If so, he has done a pretty good job at it because I am hands and feet on the ground wanting to be reassured that all I am is all I am meant to be.
Otherwise, please God... enlighten me.
During our usual conversations about the going-ons in our life, my fiancé asks me the question that I have not yet found the answer to: What is something you live for? Well I guess that's easy in some way to answer - him for one, being the love I believe fits mine in all ways, being a teacher... you know, the obvious. But really deep down, I still have trouble in saying that I find all my happiness in God, when days in and out sometimes feels like he is not there. Is he removing all my minds luxuries just so I feel like I am left with nothing, and only he can fill this space? If so, he has done a pretty good job at it because I am hands and feet on the ground wanting to be reassured that all I am is all I am meant to be.
Otherwise, please God... enlighten me.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Departure and return
It's been a long time (almost 3 months) since I've last put thoughts on paper. In that case it just goes to show what a crazy 3 months it has been - not in the preparations for WYD, but for everything else in between (teaching, marking, report writing, tutoring...report writing). It's sad to say WYD has been placed in the back of my mind and only spoken in conversation when a diocesan meeting was fast approaching, or when my fortnightly income is being calculated and transferred between accounts in hopes for enough funds for this trip. In saying so, this opportunity - exactly a month away has always been in my prayers and something I deeply long for... a way to tighten my grip when I feel like letting go.
Many aspects of my life is changing. Things I used to know are not so clear anymore and that's probably because I've come to see the reality in them - the imperfections of relationships, the undying importance of family, the political notions of the workforce, the grace of true friendships and the limits of time. All these aspects put together in the past few weeks has allowed me to reconnect with who I am, what I am doing in my life and why do I live. I've asked God these questions in many sleepless nights, in uncontrollable classroom situations, and in overtime hours of work, and all He has left me with to reflect on the past few days has been this question:
To answer this question would take me a long time because he is so many things to me. He is everything to me. But when I think of this question in preparation for WYD, I reflect on the exact 'journey' I am about to take. The 'Holy Land to Madrid' tour passes through the exact footsteps of Jesus himself - Bethlehem, Nazareth, Judea, Mt. Tabor, Cana and Jerusalem. I type these places down with ease but really cannot comprehend the magnititude these sites have on my beliefs and ultimately who I am as a person. I've known of this pilgrimage since October last year, and yet I still can't comprehend exactly why I am going on this walk. I don't even believe I'm worthy. A part of me denies that these places even exist and not even Fr. Warren's recent visit to Israel and Jordan in a photo presentation has reeled me in completely. Yes, I was in awe. But I just cannot fathom the reality of seeing and touching such sacred sites and understand that 2000 years ago, it was Jesus who was truly present there.
It's not about the sites anyway - that wasn't what caught my eye. It was more than seeing to believe. This pilgrimage is my way of walking at the side of Jesus, and being. It's about feeling the humaness that he endured and finally reassuring myself that it is the same cross we carry. It's about igniting my faith that the human flesh has caused to doubt. It's all about knowing who I am completely before I embark on a new journey he has blessed me with. And before I move on with the next stage of my life, I'd want to know I will still have him walking beside me as the other set of footprints.
Many aspects of my life is changing. Things I used to know are not so clear anymore and that's probably because I've come to see the reality in them - the imperfections of relationships, the undying importance of family, the political notions of the workforce, the grace of true friendships and the limits of time. All these aspects put together in the past few weeks has allowed me to reconnect with who I am, what I am doing in my life and why do I live. I've asked God these questions in many sleepless nights, in uncontrollable classroom situations, and in overtime hours of work, and all He has left me with to reflect on the past few days has been this question:
'Who do you say I am?' (Luke 9:18)
To answer this question would take me a long time because he is so many things to me. He is everything to me. But when I think of this question in preparation for WYD, I reflect on the exact 'journey' I am about to take. The 'Holy Land to Madrid' tour passes through the exact footsteps of Jesus himself - Bethlehem, Nazareth, Judea, Mt. Tabor, Cana and Jerusalem. I type these places down with ease but really cannot comprehend the magnititude these sites have on my beliefs and ultimately who I am as a person. I've known of this pilgrimage since October last year, and yet I still can't comprehend exactly why I am going on this walk. I don't even believe I'm worthy. A part of me denies that these places even exist and not even Fr. Warren's recent visit to Israel and Jordan in a photo presentation has reeled me in completely. Yes, I was in awe. But I just cannot fathom the reality of seeing and touching such sacred sites and understand that 2000 years ago, it was Jesus who was truly present there.
It's not about the sites anyway - that wasn't what caught my eye. It was more than seeing to believe. This pilgrimage is my way of walking at the side of Jesus, and being. It's about feeling the humaness that he endured and finally reassuring myself that it is the same cross we carry. It's about igniting my faith that the human flesh has caused to doubt. It's all about knowing who I am completely before I embark on a new journey he has blessed me with. And before I move on with the next stage of my life, I'd want to know I will still have him walking beside me as the other set of footprints.
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