The title of this entry pretty much sums up how I'm feeling at the moment, or moments. Life can be as clear as a blue sky one day, and exactly the next be cloudy and dim. How does one day just change a perception of life 360 degrees? This is my current spiritual dilemma. Maybe it's the excess amount of free time I have at the moment, being school holidays and all that is stirring up my heart. Free time = thinking time in my books and that could be a deadly thing. From being overwhelmed with the copious amounts of marking to late night silence is not doing me any good. The change of routine is off-putting. My mind is not ready to face the grand reality that awaits me and teaching kinda hovers like a safety net or an umbrella from someone who is yet finding the ground between adolescence and being a serious 24 year old adult. It is true when they say your 20's can make or break you... and right now I'm in between.
During our usual conversations about the going-ons in our life, my fiancé asks me the question that I have not yet found the answer to: What is something you live for? Well I guess that's easy in some way to answer - him for one, being the love I believe fits mine in all ways, being a teacher... you know, the obvious. But really deep down, I still have trouble in saying that I find all my happiness in God, when days in and out sometimes feels like he is not there. Is he removing all my minds luxuries just so I feel like I am left with nothing, and only he can fill this space? If so, he has done a pretty good job at it because I am hands and feet on the ground wanting to be reassured that all I am is all I am meant to be.
Otherwise, please God... enlighten me.
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